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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26105077">Innocents died screaming</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emieo/pseuds/Emieo'>Emieo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5 chapters of me hurting Ezra bridger, Anxiety, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Ezra Bridger Has PTSD, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Gen, Hurt Ezra Bridger, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Panic Attacks, Parental Hera Syndulla, Parental Kanan Jarrus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:07:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,962</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26105077</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emieo/pseuds/Emieo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ezra's chest tightens again, the image of the boy is still flickering in his mind, shifting into his scared, younger self. A boy alone and terrified, invisible to a world that would always be to busy for him, to busy to stop and help a child bleeding out."</p><p>Or</p><p>5 times Ezra's old life seeps into his new one...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezra Bridger &amp; Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Ezra Bridger &amp; Hera Syndulla, Ezra Bridger &amp; Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger &amp; Sabine Wren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Kinship</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Takes place sometime between "breaking ranks" and "empire day"</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ezra finds two kids in need of help on the streets of Lothal</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ezra ducked and sprinted through the ally way. His feet kicking up dust. The wind and adrenalin pumped through his veins as blaster bolts zoom past his head.</p><p>He came to an abrupt stop as he surveyed the area. He had lost Zeb somewhere In the chase. Now it was just him. Ezra fishes into his pocket for his com, hands gripping on the cool metal to ground himself.</p><p>"Spectre 4? this is spectre 6, do you read me?"</p><p>Ezra grumbles as he switches The Channel And Starts Again.</p><p>"Spectre 1?, We need back up, spectre 1!?"</p><p>Ezra lets out an exasperated yell and tosses the com against the wall, sinking down into a sitting position. Staying here and waiting out until those troopers pissed off or until Zeb found him was his best bet.</p><p>Yes, he would get a lecture from Kanan about always sticking together and keeping your coms on or any of the other bantha-shit Kanan usually scolded him about. but this time Kanan was the one not answering him, so maybe <em>he</em> would get mad this time...</p><p>Ezra was ripped out of his thoughts as he heard two small voices whispering from the opposite side of the ally. He cocks his head to the side to peer behind a pile of crates. behind the crates sit two children. A girl, no older ten, her long hair tousled and messy, her eyes wide and frantic as he leans over a boy, who Ezra presumes is her brother. The boy is wincing, clutching his arm in his hand.</p><p>Ezra's heart stops, the troopers and Zeb completely leave his mind as he looks at the children. The boy is bleeding and Ezra can see the tears in his eyes.</p><p>suddenly the boy isn't there anymore, instead, it's a seven-year-old Ezra, on his own and bleeding out in an alleyway, trying to get a hold of some bacta so he doesn't bleed to death. The boy comes back into reality as Ezra gets up an slowly starts to approach the kids. The girl notices him first, her head whipping around to meet Ezra.</p><p>Now he was expecting her to be scared of course, but what he wasn't expecting was for the little girl to pull a knife out on him.</p><p>"S-stay back!" she yells as she clumsily thrusts the knife in Ezra's direction. Her eyes are full of fear, it makes Ezra's heart twist.</p><p>"Hey, it's ok, I'm not here to hurt you." Ezra puts on the gentlest voice he can muster, trying to Channel his inner Hera. The grip on the knife losses just a bit, but the look of fear and protectiveness still remains.</p><p>"w-what do you want?" she asks. Ezra takes this as an invitation to come a bit closer. "I just want to help you, that's your brother right?" Ezra asks and the girl nods her head slowly, lowering the knife.</p><p>The boy lets out a yelp of pain and the girl rushes back to him, the fear consuming her once again. Ezra can feel his heart pick up the pace. The sensation of seeing such a familiar scene from the past he was so willing to leave behind didn't sit the best with him. But now wasn't the time to panic.</p><p>"w-we were just trying to get some food, but the shop keeper got mad and called one of the troopers, he shot Kai!, a-and no one did anything about it! nothing!"</p><p>The girl is shaking now, moving her hands to grip onto her brother's upper arms as she tried to ground him. He clenches his teeth. Somehow Ezra was finding more and more reasons every day to hate the Empire and<br/>
their brainwashed soldiers, this was no exception.</p><p>Ezra un-slings his backpack from his back and reaches a hand in, rummaging through until he found the med-kit. he took the bata-spray and bandage out, turning his head to the boy.</p><p>"Your names Kai right?" Ezra asks, the boy quickly nods. "Alright kai, Could I see your arm?, I promise I won't hurt you," Ezra says as gently as possible.</p><p>This is hard for him, really hard. There's this sense of longing in his chest. Some kind of twisted jealousy, wishing he had this when he was younger. A stranger who cared enough to help him. But right now wasn't the time to think about that, he needed to help these kids.</p><p>The boy looks up at him, tears in his eyes. He slowly extends his arm out, letting Ezra get a good look at it. Thankfully it was just a graze, but Ezra knew how bad even the smallest injuries can seem when you have no one there to tell you it'll be ok.</p><p>Ezra gives the boy a comforting smile as he pulls the bacta spray from the kit and readjusts his grip on the boy's arm.</p><p>"This might hurt a bit, but don't worry, you're going to be ok."</p><p>The image of the girl gripping her brother's hand thrusts a memory into his mind.</p><p>His first time he got clipped by a well-placed blaster shot after he joined the crew. the blood loss didn't let him remember the whole thing, but fragments of Hera trying to keep him awake, Kanan gently wrapping the wound, sending him reassurance and comfort through they're still developing bond. He remembers Sabine's hand coming to grip his, the girl's usually strong and stoic demeanour cracking under the stress and smell of blood, a strong image of Zeb pacing the med bay, grumbling something about how he was going to track down that bounty hunter and put a hole in his head.</p><p>And in as much pain Ezra was in, he was mostly shocked. Shocked that they cared so much, shocked that after only 3 months of knowing each other, they would drop everything, abandon the mission, just to help him. Ezra couldn't wrap his head around it. He had been hurt way worse than this before. And yeah, it hurt like <em>kriff</em>, but he couldn't fathom why he was more important than the mission.</p><p>But now, another 3 months later. He thinks he finally understands.</p><p>Ezra takes kai's arm, spraying the bacta on, cringing a bit as he yelps in pain. "M-Mira..."</p><p>The boy heaves out, calling out for his sister. Causing Ezra to freeze for a moment, tears threatened to spill as his mind flashed to his father calling out to his mother as they were separated. The way Ezra had begged for his mom as she closed the closet door to face the troopers with his father.</p><p>A tear slipped down his cheek, as if Mira wasn't a common name on lothal, as if he hadn't heard it a thousand times since his parents were taken, as if he didn't break down every time he did.</p><p>Ezra mutters an apology, quickly whiping the tear away as he finishes administrating the spray. He puts the bacta back in his bag and pulls out a roll of gauze. He holds it up in front of the boy.</p><p>"I'm going to warp it now, the bacta should stop the infection, but you need pressure if it's going to heal, trust me, you don't want to be running around with open wounds."</p><p>The boy's arm is in his hand again as he begins to wrap the wound. His mind wanders back to Kanan, trying to mimic the gentle way the man had wrapped his leg last time he got hurt. He crosses the bandage over each other, tieing a knot at the end so it doesn't come undone.</p><p>"There you go, all done, you're gonna be ok," Ezra repeats the words Kanan had said to him back to the younger boy. Kai looks up, the tears drying from his eyes.</p><p>"T-thank you..."</p><p>Ezra's chest tightens again, the image of the boy is still flickering in his mind, shifting into his scared, younger self. A boy alone and terrified, invisible to a world that would always be to busy for him, to busy to stop and help a child bleeding out.</p><p>The self-pity doesn't last long before he's violently ripped out of his own head by a sharp gasp from Mira. He quickly whips around to see two stormtroopers standing at the mouth of the ally. The three kids quickly rise to their feet. Mira pushes her brother behind her and Ezra does the same, standing between the troopers and the two younger kids.</p><p>"there he is!, that's the rebel who stole our crates!". One of the bucket heads thrust his weapons forward while the other spoke into his helmet. "we need a pickup, we're bringing in three prisoners, prep the transport."</p><p>Ezra's heart stopped, three prisoners?</p><p>Before he could even react, one of the troopers roughly grabbed him by the collar, snapping on a pair of binders in seconds. Ezra was about to reach out the force, to snap off the binder and stun the troopers. But revealing himself as a Jedi right now probably wasn't his best bet. the man approached Kai and Mira as Ezra thrashed from behind.</p><p>"Leave them alone! they didn't do anything!"</p><p>The looks on children's faces burned in Ezra's mind as they backed up into the end of the ally, Mira still in a defensive position in front of her brother.</p><p>"Anyone who associates with rebels is an enemy to the Empire." The trooper spit as he reached for the kids.</p><p>Everything slowed down in a split second. A familiar growl came from behind as the trooper holding Ezra suddenly fell to the ground unconscious.</p><p>"There! it's the other rebel!" the second trooper took his focus off Mira and Kai to instead pull out his blaster and shoot at Zeb. In the chaos, Ezra was able to focus on the force, snapping the binders off his wrist. He wasted no time running to the children's side, letting Zeb deal with the bucket heads.</p><p>The kids look terrified, watching as Zeb quickly knocked the trooper out, dragging both the men into the ally next to them. Ezra quickly lays his hands on their shoulders, something he apparently picked up from Kanan.</p><p>"Don't worry, he's a friend."</p><p>The kids lossen under his grip, kai leaving his spot behind his sister. Zeb had approached them not a minute later, quickly tapping Ezra on the shoulder.</p><p>"C'mon kid, those bucket heads are going to be coming with back up soon, and frankly I don't want to be here when they do."</p><p>Ezra practically ignored Zeb as he turned his attention to the children again. "Are you two ok?" the two nod.</p><p>"Alright, you two should go, get somewhere safe, where are your parents?." Ezra almost stopped himself, almost. He already knew the answer to that questions, but deep down he hoped it wasn't true, hoped that maybe they just got separated. The look on the two kids' faces said it all.</p><p>"Hey, it's ok." Ezra's heart was breaking into a million pieces. "Here's what you're going to do, there's this pawnshop down the road, the owner will pay you for some odd jobs, tell him Ezra sent you. If you need a place to say there's an old com tower a couple of miles from here. It's not the nicest but it's better than being out in the cold."</p><p>The kids look at him intently as Ezra fishes into his pockets and pull out his weekly share of credits. He takes Mira's hand and slowly pries it open, setting the credits down in her grip.</p><p>"Take these, it's not much, but it should at least have you guys covered for a week." Mira and Kai look at him, dumbfounded. Mira doesn't know what more to do then blurt out graduated.</p><p>"thank you! t-thank you so much!" Ezra doesn't want to think about how it's probably more credits than they've ever had.</p><p>Kai stares down at the credits. "But why? why would you help us? people don't do that around here..." kai trails off, his eyes rise to meet Ezra's. Ezra gives him a quick smirk.</p><p>"Hey, us loth-rats gotta stick together, right?"</p><p>The two smile as Ezra rises to his feet, slinging his backpack onto his shoulders. He's about to exit the ally with Zeb when he turns back to Mira and Kai.</p><p>"look out for each other, ok?" Ezra asks, a hint of sorrow in his voice. The two smile and nod at him, disappearing out of the ally, credits in hand and hope for the future.</p><p>The walk back to the ghost is mostly silent, Ezra's mind drifting back to Mira and Kai. Half of him wanted to go back, try and smuggle the two kids onto the Ghost. But the other half knew they would be ok. They had each other, which is more then Ezra did. They would survive, they would be alright, and hopefully, they would find what Ezra did, a family that would be there for them no matter what.</p><p>"Hey, kid? you alright?"</p><p>Zeb's gruff voice rips him out if his head, his heavy hand on his shoulder. Ezra responds back with a smile</p><p>"Yeah, I think I am."</p><p>~</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!, I've been wanting to write something like this for a while so I thought it would be perfect for my first multi-chapter fic!!!! </p><p>This was originally going to be one long one-shot but I had so many ideas it became too long lol. The chapters are going to explore Ezra's PTSD from the streets and how each member of the crew reacts to it. Zeb got kinda drafted in this one bc I'm not quite sure how to write him yet, but the other ones will feature the crew as much as they do Ezra!!!, the next is hera, so get ready for some mother-son feels.</p><p>Also, I am going to be continuing the Kanan lives au, but I need some more time to figure out the timeline, so I'll be continuing soon.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ezra runs into someone from his past, old wounds are dug back up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CONTENT/TW WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER!!!!!:</p><p>This chapter includes attempted assault/r*pe of a minor, implied past attempted assault/r*pe of a minor and overall creepiness towards a minor by an adult.</p><p>Nothing actually happens to Ezra. The farthest the person goes is touching his chest and biting/teasingly kissing his neck, and even those aren't described in detail. A lot of things are just implied. But don't worry, the fucker dies at the end (yes I'm willing to spoil my own story lol) as all child molesters should.</p><p>also this chapter takes place about a month after "fire across the galaxy"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"No!, absolutely not!"</p><p>Ah, yes, the usual morning argument, how lovely. </p><p>"come on Kanan! that's all you've been saying this whole week!" </p><p>To Say Ezra was pissed was an under understatement. Here he was, basically on his hands and knees begging to be let out on the mission, when nearly a year ago they had spent hours trying to convince him to help them out. </p><p>Oh, how the tables turn. </p><p>Kanan shook his head. The same dull, dry response Ezra had been getting for the last week.</p><p>"Do I have to repeat myself again Ezra?, I said no, that plant is crawling with <em>Sleemos</em>, I'm not letting any of you near there." </p><p>Yep, Kanan was definitely going into "dad mode", as sabine liked to call it. </p><p><em>stupid</em> Kanan takes another <em>stupid</em> bite out if his stupid <em>space</em> waffles. </p><p>This mission had been in the talks for about a week now. It was easy, a little too easy if Ezra had any two cents in the matter. Some low-ranking Imperial had a data disk that included blaster shipments, nothing too important enough that Phoenix squadron would send any high ranking officers. The Ghost crew had still been laying low after Kanan's recuse from the Empire. </p><p>Which made them the perfect undercover operatives for the job. </p><p>Hera had made it clear the moment they were briefed that she would be going. This particular Imp's favourite pass time included getting piss drunk and hassling lady's on the planet of Dennogra, a dingy backwater planet with no imperial presents, though some would say it's inhabitants were worse. </p><p>The planet was crawling with <em>sleemos</em>, the unsavoury kind that would sell their own mother for no more than a credit. But Hera knew those people were the easiest to get to do what you wanted them to. </p><p>Drop someone like Hera in front of them and even the strongest Imperial officer would forget their own name. </p><p>She was cunning, quick on her feet and could seduce any living being form here to the inner-rim, though Ezra knew she didn't like to do it often.</p><p>Unless it was Kanan of course. </p><p>Ezra liked missions with Hera. They usually went well. A little bump here and there, but overall they usually got out with no more than a few scratches. It was rare to have her on a ground mission, usually staying with the ghost go get them a quick exit, but when it came to small, undercover missions, those seemed to be Hera's specialty. </p><p>But the thought of Hera going alone didn't really sit well with anyone, not even herself. </p><p>The slave trade was booming here, a lot of women who visited didn't come back. They had all decided that this was a two-spector mission, Hera would seduce the Imp while Kanan snatches the data disk. </p><p>But nope, Ezra wasn't having that. Mr.<em> 'Hi, I'm Kanan Jarrus and I'm a horrible thief'</em> was not going to take his job. </p><p>"Come on Kanan!, we all know there's no better pickpocket then me. I've dealt with <em>shuttus</em> like this before, I can handle myself."  </p><p>Ezra watches as the man squeezes the bridge of his nose. </p><p>"look, Ezra, it's not that we don't trust you, it's just.<br/>-" Ezra quickly interrupts his master as he loudly shoves his fork into his waffles. </p><p>"Just what Kanan?, you all seem to forget that I grew up on the streets, nothing I could face here would be worse than there."</p><p>The room goes quiet after that. </p><p>The silence brings Hera's soft footsteps into the room,  wiping the ship's oil off her gloved hands as she speaks. </p><p>"What are you boys fighting about now?" She huffed. </p><p>"The usual." Zeb's gruff voice booms from the corner of the room as he cleans his bo-rifle. "kid won't shut up about the mission again." </p><p>Hera's head turn to Ezra, she and Kanan had talked over letting him go the night before. They were both hesitant, they knew Ezra wanted to prove himself, but the danger of letting him get snatched up by slavers wasn't something either of them were willing to risk. </p><p>"Uh, Kanan? kids got a point if anyone's going to blend in there, it's him. no one's going to expect him." Sabine pipes up, raising her head from her sketchbook to greet Ezra's grin of gratitude. </p><p>Kanan throws his hands up. "Yeah, that's the problem, they're going to see some kid sitting in a bar alone and think that he's easy prey. These guys aren't the Empire, they're unpredictable." </p><p>Kanan doesn't even need to look at Ezra to know he's rolling his eyes, Ezra's weak shielding is sending all those emotions straight to him. </p><p>Zeb nods in agreement. "I agree with Sabine, da' kid can handle e'm self, besides if anyone tries anything, Hera will be there." Zeb shrugs his shoulders, going back to cleaning his weapon.</p><p>Kanan huffs, pinching the bridge of his nose again. He glances over to Hera, the same look of worry spread across her face. She walks to Ezra, sitting down in the Dejarik booth. She reaches out and takes both of Ezra's hands in her own, squeezing them a bit. </p><p>"Ezra, I know where Kanan is coming from, but I know where you are too. Do you really think you're up for this?, I just don't want you getting hurt." Her voice is genuine, concern and worry flowing through. </p><p>Ezra gives Hera a quick smile. "I am, I promise, I just want to be able to help." </p><p>The confession comes out a lot more sincere then he meant, but it was true. The past year had made him more involved, eager to help. Sitting on the sidelines wasn't enough anymore. </p><p>Hera smiles, let's go of Ezra's hands and stands. "It's settled then, I'll distract him while Ezra snatches the data disk, we'll be in and out." Ezra practically jumps out of his seat, discarding his breakfast. </p><p>"Thank you Hera!, I won't let you down!" </p><p>She has a feeling she was going to regret this. But memories of a younger Hera, desperately begging her father to let her fight seeps into her mind. Sometimes she forgets how similar she and Ezra are. Hera smiles she can see Ezra teasingly sticks his tongue out at Kanan, gardening an eye roll from the older man. </p><p>Kanan grumbles something under his breath as the two walk off to prep for the opp. </p><p>"Wow, ok, guess I don't have a say in this." </p><p>"You usually don't, love."</p><hr/><p>   </p><p>  The walk to the bar from the Ghost was, exciting, to say the least. </p><p>Dennogra is bursting with life. The darkness of the night contrasts wonderfully with the bright lights of the city district. Sabine would have loved it. </p><p>The city was full of different kinds of aliens, the long walk made Ezra realize that the most common were Twi'leks and Rodians, probably why Hera was so sure she would be perfect for the mission. </p><p>Ezra pulled his hood tighter over his head. The old cloak smelled dingy from sitting in Kanan's closet for so long, but it worked to it's desired effect. He was practically invisible to the hussel and bussel of the city. </p><p>When they had arrived at the bar Hera had pulled him aside. </p><p>"You remember the rules?" She asked, in her usual stern yet gentle voice. Ezra rolls his eyes. </p><p>"Don't talk to anyone, say at the table and if I drink any alcohol I'll be scrubbing the iron scoring off the Phantom for a month" Ezra smirks, as if Hera hadn't made him repeat the rules a hundred times before.</p><p>Hera smiles, reaching out to the pat the boy's shoulder. "Good boy, I'll signal you when our <em>friend</em> has had enough drinks, you just hang tight." Hera nods to him one last time as she enters the bar.</p><p> Ezra waited a couple of seconds and walked in after her. They went their separate ways, Hera taking a seat at the bar and Ezra shuffling into a small booth and the very back of the room. Booze and spice made Ezra scrunch up his nose before the wave of Nassau hit him. He had his own anxiety's when it came to alcohol, bad memories we're settled deep with the smell, not that anyone needed to know that.</p><p>Not that it mattered.</p><p>The booth was out of view, secluded and safe. All Hera needed to do was get the man to walk past Ezra and everything would be fine.</p><p>So why was he so nervous?. </p><p>He had done this before, more times then he could count. lothal had a nasty criminal Underworld. The planet was swarming with slavers and smugglers, black market dealers that you wouldn't want getting their hands on you were common, but when you live on the streets for seven years, the gangs and criminal empires start to feel like home. </p><p>He knew what to expect on lothal. The highest gang bosses didn't scare him, he could stare down a group of thugs without fear. But here, it was different. He didn't know the locals, he didn't know what ally way to duck behind if he needed protection. The place was foreign to him, and that feeling of dread set in again. </p><p>He had literally begged Kanna and Hera to let him come, so why did all he wanted to do now was leave?. </p><p>But now wasn't the time to worry, he needed to be alert, he needed to prove himself. Kanan thought he couldn't handle himself, he had made it clear earlier. Ezra tried to tell himself that it was just Kanan's usual over-protectiveness, the same he would feel through their bond on a mission gone wrong, the same feeling that belonged to the eyes that would drift to his new twin scars, the feeling of raw guilt that Ezra could feel radiating off of him. </p><p>He knew Kanan wanted to keep him safe, they all did. But Ezra hated feeling like dead weight, he couldn't, not anymore, not now with the larger rebellion at stake. </p><p>Ezra lifted his eyes from the table to look around the bar for Hera. The Imp had already arrived and she was buying him a drink. Ezra knew that it wouldn't be long until they came his way. He needed to stay alert. </p><p>He tugged the hood tighter around his head, tapping his foot on the ground. The uneasy feeling in his cheat was rising, he didn't sense danger, at least not the kind he felt around a blaster or a squad of stormtroopers, but there was a vibe that filled the air. He doubted any of these people were morally just, almost all of them were either gambling, fighting or blacking out, so the feeling of danger probably always hung around this place, but this felt different. Why did it feel so familiar?. </p><p>"Well, well, well, if it ain't baby blue..." </p><p>Ezra froze, his blood running cold. That sick, raspy voice penetrated his eardrums as his heart beat out of his chest. </p><p><em>Porro</em>...</p><p>Ezra watches as the man stood in front of him. His long greasy hair hangs in front of his face. He's dressed in his usual smuggler's garb that Ezra remembers, a blaster on each of his hips. </p><p>The man smirks, a sickening grin tugging on his lips. He slides into the booth next to Ezra, throwing an arm around the kid before he could bolt. </p><p>"Whatcha doing here kid? it's been a while since I've seen ya, figured you left lothal, but this place?" The man questions. </p><p>Ezra tenses under his grip. His eyes dart around the bar, looking for a way out. Memories are ripped from his mind. Porro was definitely the last person he wanted to see right now. The feeling of dread creeps in closer. </p><p>Ezra rips out of Porro's grip. "Skip the pleasantries, what do you want?" Ezra spits out. He tries to put on a brave demeanour, but he wouldn't be surprised if the hammering of his heart against his chest could be heard throughout the whole bar. </p><p>Porro rests an elbow on the table. "What?, I can't catch up with an old friend?" He asks a sly grin appearing on his lips. "Haven't heard from you in almost a year, took us a while to recover financially from losing our best street rat. Not to mention Val misses his little plaything..." </p><p>Ezra stops himself from physically cringing, he had tried so hard to erase the two men from his mind, but that name sprang them back. He squeezes his eyes shut, he tries not to picture Valentin's face, the stench of alcohol, the damp cold of the basement, the harsh slap Across his cheek...</p><p>"Well you can tell Val I say <em>kark</em> <em>off</em>" Ezra turns away from the man, his gaze turned up to look at Hera. Ezra took a deep breath, his part of the mission was coming up, he needed to get porro to leave him alone so he could snatch the data disk. </p><p>"Ha!, still a little spitfire hu?. Though we both know how much Val likes being told no..." Porro smirks, he cuts Himself off, hollering for the waitress. </p><p>"Two drinks darling! make it quick!" He tossed a hand full of credits to the woman as she hurried off. </p><p>porro turns back to Ezra. "But let's not worry about that right now, I got an offer for you kid." The woman returns moments later, she passes two cups of Corellian gin to the man.  </p><p>He passes the drink to Ezra, the strong smell making him want to gag. Porro takes a long swig of the gin, one eye trains towards Ezra as he smirks. Ezra stares down at the drink, slowly bringing it up to his lips. He knew if Hera found out he would be grounded for the rest of his life, but he'd rather face Hera's rath then porros, remembering back to the last time he denied a drink from the man. </p><p>Ezra takes a gulp, the bitter liquid slides down his throat, burning as it makes its way into his system. Porro knows he hates the gin, Which is probably the reason he ordered it. </p><p>Porro finishes off his drink, turning back to Ezra. "It's a small job really, some little group of shit-disturbers left Lothal last month, Imps want us to hunt them down. payoffs huge!, you'll get your half when you come back to Lothal and-" </p><p>"No, I'm done working for you <em>Sleemos</em>." Ezra quickly cuts him off. The shit-disturbers he's talking about are probably his crew, it's no surprise the Empire would rise their bounty after their escape from the star-destroyer. The idea of helping those <em>karkers</em> take down his friends was sickening. </p><p>Porro's eyes suddenly get hard, he slowly puts his glass back on to the table, Shaking his head. "<em>tsk tsk tsk</em>, that wasn't the right answer..." </p><p>Ezra opens his mouth to give another remark, but suddenly gets a strong feeling of <em>wrongwrongwrong</em> over the force. He jerks his head up to see that the room is spinning, the bright lights of the bar melt together into his vision, his head feels like it's a hundred times heavier.</p><p>The loud voices are muffled, yet so loud. Ezra panics, quickly trying to get to his feet, only to stumble into a soiled mass. </p><p>"You don't look so good, kid..." Porros voice has no underlying concern, it's sticky and demeaning as he lets out a chuckle. </p><p>"W-what?..." Is all Ezra can choke out before he feels an arm around him, he's on his feet, the blurred patrons of the bar are fading out of sight as porro leads him closer to the door. He turns in a list ditch effort to squirm out to safety, he sees Hera, he opens his mouth the scream for her, to yell for help, but a calloused hand clamps over his mouth. </p><p>He's yanked out the door, trying to pry the hand off. His movements are jerky, Nassau and dizziness wash over him. His vision blurs, it goes black and he's suddenly being pushed against a wall in the ally behind the bar. His head hits the stone hard, causing him to yelp. He's still struggling against porro, the hand that's not covering his mouth is reaching down to grab both his writs and pin them above his head. </p><p>"Spectre 6?, we need an update here, Hera's com is still off, how are you two doing?." </p><p>kanan's voice is music to his ears. He tries to scream to his master, but Porros hand clamps down harder, he feels the man yank the comlink from his belt and hold his finger on the bottom.</p><p>"<em>kriff</em> off, buzzkill." </p><p>before Kanan can answer back, Porro throws the com to the ground, crushing it beneath his foot. </p><p>"You really didn't think I knew it was you?, you suddenly disappeared and your wanted posters are all over Lothal, didn't take us long to figure out you were running with those blaster-brains, a Jedi? really kid? You're more pathetic the I thought".</p><p> Porro smirks at the way Ezra squirms underneath him. Ezra glares, Muffling out a yell, he opens his mouth and bites down into Porros hand. The man suddenly retracts, jumping back, cradling his now bleeding wound. </p><p>Ezra drops to his knees, using the moment of freedom to reach out to the force. The familiar feeling of warmth and comfort that was Kanan wasn't there, it was like hitting a wall, it's slippery and he can't quite reach it. He tries to project his fear to Kanan, the word <em>Help</em> sprawls across their bond, but whatever the hell Porro did to him was keeping him from reaching Kanan. </p><p>"You little <em>sh'tala</em>!" the man swears in Lothian. He wipes the blood off on his pants and grabs the boy again, this time by the Neck. Ezra's head hits the hard wall.</p><p>"Y-you... you drugged me..." Ezra slurred out. He couldn't think straight, his mind went from Porro to the mission, to Hera, to kanan. He felt like his mind was melting and his sudden lack of the force wasn't helping him. </p><p>porro smirks and tightens his grip on the boy. "Ah, yes, how observant." He spits sarcastically. "You could have just gone quietly with me back to lothal, but someone had to make it difficult." </p><p>Ezra glares at the man. "I-'m, not g..going anywhere with, w-with you," He stammers, fear clawing at his throat. </p><p>Porro laughs. "Oh I think you are, but first we're going to have a little... <em>fun</em>. </p><p>Ezra weakly struggles against Porro. He can feel the drug seeping deeper into his system, but no, he needs to finish the mission, he needed to get back into the bar to get the data chip, he needed-</p><p>Ezra's unceremoniously ripped from his thoughts as he feels the older man's hand start to travel down his chest, a sickening grin pulling at his lips. Ezra's breathing starts to pick up, memories flood his head. </p><p>
  <em>no on on no not again, please not again...</em>
</p><p>"It's been a while since we've been in this position kid. I'm going to enjoy this..." </p><p>Ezra weekly squirms against porro, his breaths becoming heavy gasps. "s-stop, stop!". His arms feel like jelly and his knees start to shake, the fear mixed with the drugs is making him crash fast, but he has to fight him off, he has to be strong. </p><p>He tries to pry the man's fingers off him, but the other human's much stronger arms keep him pinned to the wall. </p><p>"Just relax kid, you weren't this tense last time." Porro laughs. </p><p>Ezra shuts his eyes tight. He was tense last time, he was terrified, frozen and unable to do anything to stop the man. He was just lucky that Porro had gotten bored with him to not go any farther then he did. <br/> <br/>But he knew he wouldn't be that lucky this time. </p><p>He can feel hot tears running down his cheeks, when had he started crying? he couldn't remember. His vision was getting blurry, and his limbs felt like they didn't even work anymore. </p><p>"S-stop, please..." Those we're all the words Ezra could struggle out as porros lips landed on his neck. The tears feel faster as he feels the man kiss and bites down on his skin. Ezra reaches his head back as far as he can, but every movement sends him closer to the unconscious. </p><p>porro lifts his lips form the boy's skin. "Do you really think those Rebels care about you?, you could barely do your job right on the streets, why would an active military want a screw-up like you?, they're using you, this-" Porro pulls away, gesturing to Ezra's body. "-is all you'll ever be good for"</p><p>Ezra is full out sobbing now, he's not strong enough to struggle, he's not strong enough to do anything. Porro is right. It was foolish to think he'd become anything more than their plaything, he failed the mission, Kanan was right, they were all right...</p><p>He feels Porros hands come up to cup his cheek, wiping the tears away from his eyes. The gesture is empty, just another away to get into the boy's head. </p><p>"Don't worry baby blue-" Porro retracts from his face, his hands travel down from Ezra's chest to his hips. "It will all be over soon-".</p><p>Suddenly, the shot of a blaster-bolt can be heard throughout the ally, Porros face twists into something horrifying and he drops to the ground. </p><p>Ezra can hear someone call his name,  but all he can see is porros lifeless body on the ground. Ezra starts to sway, he sees the concrete get closer to his face. Suddenly, two gentle arms are enveloping him, they don't feel like Porro, but the touch makes Ezra cringe. </p><p>The person is talking, soft gentle whispers enter his ear, but he can't quite make out the words. He's so tired, he lets his head fall onto the person's shoulder. He needed to stay awake, needed to get away from porro. He feels his head being angled away from the dead body and into the gentle person's chest. </p><p>The tiredness was starting to take over, he just needed to close his eyes for a minute, then he would-</p><p>And that was the last thought Ezra had before he blacked out.</p><hr/><p>                                            </p><p>Hera sits on Kanan's bunk, her fingers absent-mindedly stroke through Ezra's hair. </p><p>"Are you sure he's dead?, because if he's not I'll-" Kanan stops his pacing and turns to Hera, asking the same question he had asked at least 3 times in the past hour.</p><p>Hera let's out a shaky sigh. "I told you already Kanan, I couldn't get a clear shot without hitting Ezra, but he looked pretty dead to me. let's hope Zeb and Sabine come back with good news" </p><p>The image of that scum on top of her youngest crewmate haunted Hera's mind. When she had finished with the imp and Ezra wasn't in his spot in the booth, she immediately panicked, cold fear gripping at her heart. She had led the man to the door, immediately knocking him out and searching his pockets, there was no sign of the data disk.</p><p>'<em>Great</em>', she thought to herself. '<em>All for nothing'. </em></p><p>But the mission was the last thing that had mattered, she needed to find Ezra. </p><p>Hera didn't kill people, she had always been against it. She felt it made her just as bad as the empire, but she made exceptions, of course. </p><p>And a sleezeball leering over <em>her</em> kid was one of them. </p><p>she hadn't even thought before she pulled her blaster out. Ezra was obscured behind the man, but a quick shot to his lower back made him scream and fall. Hera didn't need to investigate, she knew what he was doing, she had seen it so many times before, but it was an entirely different feeling when it was happening to someone she cared deeply about. </p><p>Her eyes left the body to meet Ezra. His eyes were slacked and unfocused, he could barely keep his head up and he was swaying from side to side. Despite his drugged appearance, he was crying, harsh, deep sobs escaped his chest as he plummeted towards the ground. </p><p>Hera jumped to catch the boy, her arms wrapping around him and slowly setting them both onto the ground. She tugged gently so that he was cradled in her lap. her concerned eyes travelled to the boy to survey any injuries. He seemed ok, a couple of bruises littered his neck, but that seemed to be the worst if it, physically of course. Hera didn't know how far the scum got, and frankly she didn't want to think about that right now. </p><p>"Ezra? Ezra, it's ok sweetheart, it's me, your safe." Hera cooed to the boy, he was still sobbing, he didn't react to her words or her touch, it was like he didn't even know she was there.  </p><p>"Your safe, you're safe..." she repeated as she stroked through the boy's hair. she noticed his eyes were still trained on the man. she gently cupped his cheek to turn his head away from the carnage. She had to com Kanan, she was sure she couldn't carry Ezra back to the ghost without drawing attention to them. </p><p>As if on cue her com came to life, Kanan's panicked voice on the other end. </p><p>"Hera?!, somethings wrong with Ezra, he's hurt. someone answered his com but It wasn't him, where is he?!" </p><p>Hera looks to the side to see Ezra's crushed com laying discarded on the ground. Hera isn't surprised Kanan knew something was wrong. their "bond", as Kanan called it, was getting stronger each day. Kanan could  feel Ezra's destress, just like Ezra had sensed him on the star destroyer </p><p>" I... I'll explain later, we need a pickup, I'm sending our location, you think you could bring the Ghost closer?" Hera stutters, her voice shakes and she knows Kanan can hear the fear hidden beneath. </p><p>Kanan is silent for a moment, but his voice booms through the com again. </p><p>"Of course, we're on our way."</p><p>Hera didn't know how to explain to the crew what happened once she got to the Ghost, Ezra securely held in her arms. </p><p>how was she supposed to admit to her crew that she failed her job as his captain?. </p><p>Sabine and Zeb had immediately left to find the scum, despite Hera and Kanan's warnings not the leave the ship. they knew they couldn't stop them, especially Zeb, they all knew how issues like this we're handled on lasan. If that <em>Sleemo</em> had survived, Hera was sure they would make it so that he wishes he hadn't. </p><p>it had been almost an hour now, whatever that <em>scum</em> had given him must have been strong. </p><p>Hera knew more than enough about these drugs. They were common on Ryloth and other outer rim planets. Ezra would be ok, she knew that, but it didn't mean her concern was any less. </p><p>She's snapped out of her thoughts as Kanan sits on the bunk by Ezra's feet. He's staring down at his padawan, wearing an expression laced with concern. </p><p>"I should have gone, this wouldn't have happened if I had gone." </p><p>Hera squeezes her eyes shut, the guilt washing over her. </p><p>"It wasn't your fault love, I shouldn't have let him go, I should have made sure he was ok, the Imp didn't even have the data disk. I was so focused on the mission that I didn't even think twice about him. what kind of captain am I?. </p><p>She knew that this would fule kanan's dislike for  Phoenix squadron, sending them on a mission that didn't have reliable Intel, but she couldn't worry about that now. </p><p>kanan's eyes meet Hera's, he lets out a deep sigh.</p><p>"He wanted to go, neither of us could have stopped him". she watches as Kanan reaches out to tuck some stray hairs behind the sleeping boy's ear. "It's not your fault, he's going to be ok." </p><p>As if on cue, Ezra's moans fill the room, Hera and Kanan both dart their eyes to the boy, he's not quite awake yet, but it's obvious he's trying to push himself into the waking world. </p><p>Hera quickly takes Ezra's hand in her own, her thumb slowly running over his knuckles as she tries to wake him. "Ezra? come on sweetie, wake up." Her voice is low and gentle.</p><p>Ezra's quite growns suddenly becomes louder, he sleepily thrashes, ripping his hand out of Hera's grip. </p><p>"No, s-stop..." He slurs out, his brow creasing as he fights off an invisible attacker. </p><p>Hera's eyes widen as she realizes what Ezra must be dreaming of. </p><p>Her hands come up to grip his shoulders, gently shaking them. "Ezra? wake up, it's ok, we're here, we're right here." she can see Kanan quickly rise from his spot at Ezra's feet as the boy thrashes harder, stray tears falling down his cheek, cries for help echoing through the Ghost. </p><p>Kanan is at his side in an instant, he wordlessly approaches the boy, laying both hands on his face and closing his eyes tight. She can tell that he was concentrating, his brow furrowing as Ezra's thrashing lessened. </p><p>Suddenly a scream rings through the ship as Ezra springs up in the bed, causing Kanan to stumbled back. His eyes are wide and his breath is raggedy. hot tears still stream down his face as he tries to ground him himself. </p><p>Hera pauses, hesitant to approach him, not sure how his reaction to touch would be. She reaches a hand out, gently cupping his cheek. </p><p>"It's ok sweetheart, you're safe." </p><p>Ezra's eyes dark around the room, meeting Hera's first. </p><p>"H-Hera?..." </p><p>The boy's voice is horse and dry, though his breathing had evened. </p><p>"It's me, sweetie, it's me." </p><p>Hera takes her spot on the bed next to him, quickly pulling him to her chest. she can feel the boy tremble, his breaths still coming out in short quick spikes. Small arms come up to slowly wrap around her back as he buries his head in her shoulder. </p><p>kanan's heart sank as he realized how vulnerable Ezra looked. He had warmed up to physical affection over the last year and never denied a hug from anyone, but to see him now, practically melting into Hera's arms, his body racking with sobs as he undoubtedly remembered the earlier days events, it shook Kanan to his core. </p><p>Kanan sits at the foot of the bed again, gently placing his hand on Ezra's knee. </p><p>"You ok, kiddo?" </p><p>Ezra pulls his head away from Hera's chest to meet Kanan's eyes. </p><p>"I-I'm sorry, I was to weak to fight him off, I-I tried, I really did, I-" Ezra cuts himself off with a deep sob from his chest.</p><p>the room goes silent, neither of them knowing what to say, he reaches out, placing a heavy hand on Ezra's shoulder. </p><p>"Ezra..." is all he manages to say before the boy cuts him off again. </p><p>"A-And I know you warned me, I-I'm sorry I didn't listen. I-I failed, I-I failed the mission. He didn't go that far last time, I-I thought I could wait it out but-" </p><p>Hera quickly cuts Ezra off. </p><p>"Ezra, what do you mean 'last time'?..." </p><p>Ezra squeezes his eyes shut, he can feel Kanan sliding in closer, Hera's arms loosing their grip a bit, but never letting go. </p><p> "Back on lothal..." He starts, shifting into a more comfortable position. "I think I was twelve?, yeah, uh, there was this gang, a small one, they needed someone to pick locks, and I guess I fit the bill. The guy who... uh, earlier, he and his brother ran it."</p><p> Ezra pauses, taking a shuttering breathe, he feels Kanan's hand gently squeeze his shoulder, a silent push to go on. </p><p>"They were <em>scum</em>, both of 'em. liked to recruit street kids to do their dirty work. They gave me a place to stay, I was with them for a couple of months, sleeping conditions weren't the best, but I hadn't found my tower yet so it was better than the streets. At least I had a roof over my head..." </p><p>Hera's heart seizes. It had been so easy for them to forget that Ezra had a life before he meet them.meets she knew it was only a matter of time before the horrors of the streets would catch up to him. </p><p>"Didn't last long, they were doing too many jobs for the empire, it didn't feel right to stay with them. leaving wasn't easy though..." Ezra's breath shudders again. He feels Hera's arms tighten around him and the cocktail of guilt, anger and love flowing through the force. </p><p>"I just, I really thought I could trust them, when I said I wanted to leave..." Ezra lets a soft sob escaped his lips. "let's just say I was pretty used to what happened today..." </p><p>He raises his eyes to meet Kanan's. Concern and disgust spelt upon the man's face. </p><p>"I'm sorry, I failed the mission, I put everything at risk, you were right Kanan, I couldn't handle myself out there." </p><p>that's the moment Kanan's heart snaps.</p><p>"Oh, Ezra."   </p><p>Kanan sighs, quickly moving closer to his padawan, his eyes meet with Hera's shocked expression as he slowly shifts Ezra from her chest to his.</p><p>"I know you can handle yourself, and you know I trust you, none of us could have known what was going to happen, I just wish we were there to protect you." </p><p>Kanan feels Ezra nestle closer to his chest. He holds him tighter.</p><p>"You know I worry about you, we all do. I don't want you thinking that you're less for what happened. you were so brave, we're so proud of you."</p><p>He rubs his hand up and down Ezra's back in a way he hopes is comforting. when Ezra pulls back, Kanan cradels his face in his hands, his thumb comes up to wipe the tears from his eyes. His heart sinks at the way Ezra flinches at that, a gesture he never seemed uncomfortable with before.</p><p>His eyes travel up to meet Hera, he can feel the guilt radiating off of her. He shifts him and Ezra so that they're both closer to her. He begins again. </p><p>"He didn't have the data disk if that makes you feel any better, but if you think for a second that some stupid rebellion mission is more important to us then you, your gravelly mistaken, kiddo." </p><p>He can feel Ezra let out a small sigh of relief, he knows it won't get rid of the guilt, but at least it was something. </p><p>Hera hums softly. "We love you, Ezra, all of us, never forget that." she leans down to press a soft kiss to the boy's temple. </p><p>Ezra shuts his eyes tight, the feeling of Hera's lips on his forehead reminds him of his mother, and for once it's not a memory he wants to get rid of. </p><p>Emotion is flooding Ezra's mind like an Ocean. He knew it shouldn't have hurt, Hera telling him that they loved him. Ezra knew that they did, but for some reason, having it told to him in such a way almost brought him to tears again. </p><p>Ezra feels Hera's arms envelop him from behind. he was now wrapped in both of them, a memory of his parents doing the same all those years ago burns into his mind. </p><p>"T-Thank you, for everything, I love you guys to..."</p><p>Ezra knows that what Hera and Kanan told him was true, no matter how much he wanted to deny it. So he pushes Porro to the back of his mind, into the chasm where Valentin resides. he had survived, and he would keep surviving. </p><p>but for now, Ezra was more than happy to stay here. Draped in the warmth, love and support that was his master and captain. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello everyone!, I hope you enjoyed chapter two!!!!!<br/>I'm going to be formatting my chapter notes a bit differently now so I can talk about the chapter in detail (especially this one there's a lot to unpack.) So let's go!</p><p>• so this chapter as a whole is pretty uh, dark. The whole point of this series is to address Ezra's trauma from living on the streets and how his loved ones help him through it and I feel like the way lothal is framed as having a criminal Underworld, something like this was bound to happen.</p><p>•I wanted to give Ezra something very personal to deal with. Since this chapter centers around Hera and Ezra, I wanted it to be something they can both relate to. I beat things like this happen to Hera all the time, she literally gets sold into slavery in the show, and being a twilek probably doesn't help her at all, so I imagine she's kind of desensitized to it by now, but when it's happening to some on she loves, that would get a reaction out of her. I feel like it would bring her and Ezra closer.</p><p>• I love in fics when Hera calls Ezra "sweetheart" or "dear" just cute, motherly things like that make me melt, especially since we didn't get to see alot of their relationship in the show. Even though Hera is more of the closed off one, I feel like in a situation like this, she would be extra protective/motherly.</p><p>•kanan originally wasn't going to be in this chapter as much as he was, but I feel like he wouldn't just not be there, especially with something as serious as this, also just an excuse for me to sneak some protective dad kanan into the mix.</p><p>•porro and Val are going to be important characters going forward. even through porro is disgusting, he isn't even the one out of the two that hurt Ezra most, (more on that next chapter;)</p><p>•I wanted to focus more on Ezra, kanan and Hera, so I left if porro was alive or dead open ended, it's going to be revealed later, but let's just say it did NOT end well for that scum bag, that's what happens when you mess with the ghosts crew's kid.</p><p>• and that's all I really have to say, the next chapter will be Kanan and Ezra centric, and oh boy that one's going to be a doozy. See you all then!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Relapse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kanan unintentionally digs up some old wounds</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW!!!<br/>this chapter contains mention of child abuse, alcoholism and panic attacks </p><p>~</p><p>This chapter takes place sometime between "legacy" and "shroud of darkness"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Ezra!, I told you that purple doesn't go with that red!"</p><p>Ezra looks up from the painting, glaring at the girl sitting Across from him. "Hey, what happened to artistic expression?"</p><p>Sabine rolls her eyes huffing as she tries to grab the spray brush from his hand. "Artistic expression is one thing, ruining <em>my</em> painting is another." Ezra raises the brush away from Sabine, playfully shoving her face away.</p><p>"Hey!, you said I could add whatever I wanted!"</p><p>"But your painting a Lothcat!, Lothcats aren't purple!"</p><p>"well, this one is!"</p><p>Hera smiles at the sight in front of her. Her youngest crew members are both sitting on the floor of the common room, paper and paints sprawled out around them. She watches as Ezra whips his head around to look at her, a large grin growing on his face. His clothes are practically covered in paint, flight suit pulled down and tied around his waist, his undershirt splattered with bright colours. she watches as he reaches to tuck a strand that escaped his pulled back hair behind his ear.</p><p>"Hera!, Sabine is questioning my artistic integrity!"</p><p>Hera chuckles and approaches them, getting down to her knees on one of the not paint-covered spots. "Alright, let's see the reason my floors are covered in paint"</p><p>Sabine snatches the paper from Ezra's hands and handed it to Hera. She examined the piece, a beautiful landscape of the rolling fields of Lothal. Hera's eyes travel down the page to reveal an oddly out of place purple Lothcat, she tries not to let out a laugh, but a small chuckle escapes her lips.</p><p>"Hey!, I for one think it looks great!" Ezra pouts, crossing his arms.</p><p>Hera smiles, scootching closer to the boy and wrapping an arm around him. "It looks wonderful Ezra, looks like we've got more than one artist in the family."</p><p>Ezra smiles at Hera before turning to Sabine. "See!, at least someone here has good taste." He smirks, sticking his tongue out at Sabine teasingly.</p><p>"Well until Zeb and Kanan get back it's undecided" Sabine scoffs, resuming her sketch.</p><p>Ezra rolls his eyes and looks to Hera, who has already gotten up off the floor, something he should probably do since his legs were starting to feel like jelly.</p><p>"Where are Kanan and Zeb anyway?, Thought they'd be back by now?."</p><p>The op wasn't that difficult, a bar mission, nothing more than intell collection. His two crewmates had left with Rex almost four Standard hours ago. Oh yeah, he was definitely going to rag on Kanan for missing training, who's slacking off now master?.</p><p>Suddenly, Something nudged Ezra at the back of his mind, it was odd, something he'd never felt before. It definitely wasn't coming from him, but the very familiar signature that was Kanan's.</p><p>It felt... Different, like Kanan, wasn't quite there. It reminded him of the med bay after Mustafar, or whenever Kanan took pain meds. He had explained to Ezra that things like spice or booze can dampen a Jedi's connection to the force, in turn lessening the connection to whoever was on the other side of the training bond, was Kanan hurt?.</p><p>As if on cue, familiar footsteps echoed off the halls of the Ghost, Ezra didn't need the force to tell it was Kanan. The door swished open, revealing his very much not hurt, yet pretty dishevelled master.</p><p>"Hey, ya miss me?" His master's voice sounded weird, worn and tired.</p><p>Ezra watched as Hera strode up to meet him, her stern captain face already put on.</p><p>"Hm, last time I checked your op was a recon, recons don't take four hours, love" Hera rolls her eyes. "And we also seem to be missing a crew member, spill"</p><p>Everything stops as Kanan approaches them closer.</p><p>Suddenly Ezra Froze, his eyes wide. A sharp sent enters his nose.</p><p>It's familiar, though he wishes it wasn't. Everything around him disappears like it's only him in the room. He can hear voices but their muffled, the beating of his heart against his chest drowns them out.</p><p>A memory is thrust into his head, he tries desperately to expel it. His eyes clench close as the smell wafts to him again.</p><p>
  <em>"I told you not to annoy me today, kid..."</em>
</p><p>A voice echoes, no face to place it to, but Ezra knows who's it is, stars, he wishes he didn't</p><p>
  <em>"I-I'm sorr-"</em>
</p><p>The sound of a harsh slap against a child's cheek shakes him to his core.</p><p>Ezra realizes that he's gripping his chest. He finally force's his eyes open, Kanan and Hera are still talking, he hears a couple of words, but his head is too busy spinning to make out anything more than drunk, Zeb, and love.</p><p>Kanan was drunk? No, Kanan didn't drink. He'd never seen him drink, Kanan wasn't like that.</p><p>Kanan wouldn't hurt him.</p><p>"I thought you didn't drink anymore?" Hera's voice is serious, almost concerned. Ezra tries to listen, but the sent that's coming off Kanan's clothes sends him spiralling again.</p><p>
  <em>"You can't even handle one thing can you?, You're a karking wast of space."</em>
</p><p>The smell fills the room, Ezra remembers the beating he got that day.</p><p>He's crying now, he can feel the hot tears streaming down his face. He hears Kanan talk, something about only having one drink.</p><p>One drink that had been <em>his</em> drink of choice.</p><p>Then Suddenly someone's touching him, instinct takes over and he flintches hard, squeezing his eyes shut and bringing his hands up to cover his face. At this moment he isn't on the Ghost, he isn't home, he's in that basement again...</p><p>"Ezra?..."</p><p>He force's his eyes open, they meet with Kanan's, but no it's not Kanan, it's him,</p><p>all he can see is Valentin.</p><p>The vision of his master flickers between him and the man he'd been trying to forget for so long. Kanan's caring eyes are twisted into cold grey, staring into his chest, making him want to claw out of his skin.</p><p>Kanan talks, says something that Ezra can't quite make out. All he can hear is Valentin's Yelling, berating him, snapping at any given moment.</p><p>His heart yells to him that <em>it's Kanan!, it's his master, Kanan wouldn't hurt him, the smell doesn't matter, the drinks Don't matter, it's Kanan.</em></p><p>But his mind tells him to <em>run, hide, don't let him get to you.</em></p><p>So he does, he quickly stumbles to his feet, he hears more voices, but they fade as he runs from the common room. He doesn't know where he's going, but instinct brings him to the gun turret.</p><p>There's a small space under the control panel, he slots himself in, legs brought up to his chest.</p><p>He can't smell the Darkoma whiskey anymore, Valentin's gone.</p><p>He's safe, but why doesn't he feel safe?.</p><p>Ezra lets the tears fall, Lets the fear grip his heart. A loud sob escapes his chests as he grits his teeth.</p><p>Ezra gasps for air, he doesn't remember feeling this tight, this trapped.</p><p><em>Don't leave, he'll find you.</em> His inner voice hisses, keeping him planted in his spot.</p><p>More tears fall as he grips his chest, Ezra tries to gulp for air, but nothing enters his lungs. He rocks himself gently, whispering to himself.</p><p>"You're ok, you're ok, you're ok, You're ok..."</p><p>A whine escapes his chest as his head Pound's, he feels like he's going to pass out.</p><p>Don't be weak, he'll use it against you.</p><p>Ezra tries desperately to get air, but he's hypoventilating. The panic grips his heart, his head gets heavier as he lays it on the control panel.</p><p>"Ezra!?"</p><p>Ezra's eyes widen, no, he hid, he was safe, Valentin couldn't get to him. Was this Valentin?, Something in his head screams to him that it's not?</p><p>"Ezra?, are you ok?, What happened?"</p><p>Suddenly the hands are touching him again, Ezra jumps, backing away as much as he can, scrambling to throw his hands over his head.</p><p>"I-I-I'm sorry, d-don't hurt me, p-please d-don't..."</p><p>Suddenly Ezra feels a spark of fear that isn't his, he peaks over his arms to see Kanan, not Valentin, Kanan, <em>his</em> Kanan.</p><p>The man's eye's look horrified, he's staring down at Ezra as he'd just seen a ghost. Regret fills Ezra's chest.</p><p>Those eyes are too full of love to be Valentin's.</p><p>"K-Kanan?" Ezra squeaks. He unfolds a bit, still hesitant. He sees Kanan struggling out a gentle smile, extending a hand out to him.</p><p>"Yeah, it's me kiddo, come here, I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."</p><p>Ezra stops, he remembers those words, a twisted version of them, coming out of Valentin's mouth. But this isn't Valentin, he's not there, he's on the Ghost,</p><p>He's home.</p><p>Ezra takes Kanan's hand, letting the older man pull him out from under the Consul. The minute he's out Kanan let's go, dropping down from his crouch to his knees. Ezra's eyes are still unfocused, too many thoughts fill his head, regret and shame fill the bond without him knowing.</p><p>He watches as Kanan sits there, brows furrowed and eyes sharp. Kanan's mad at him, Ezra knows it, mad that he ran, mad that he acted like he would hurt him, mad at his weakness.</p><p>"Ezra..." Kanan starts, but Ezra cuts him off.</p><p>"I-im sorry, Kanan I'm so sorry, <em>Kark</em>!, I- I can explain, y-you just, you didn't do anything wrong, I-I swear! I j-jus-"</p><p>Kanan's voice interrupts his rambling, despite his face, the voice is gentle.</p><p>"Can I touch you?"</p><p>Kanan's features have softened, but Ezra's have turned to confusion.</p><p>"W-what?." He watches as Kanan gets a bit closer.</p><p>"Can I touch you?, you flinched, you begged me not to hurt you, I can't have that happening again, so can I touch you?"</p><p>There's a tremor in Kanan's voice, and Ezra can feel the guilt his master is unintentionally projecting over the bond.</p><p>A new feeling of shame rips at Ezra's heart, Kanan was asking if he could touch him, Kanan, the one who's touch always soothed him, the one who he would seek out after nightmares where his master's hands through his hair were the only thing that calmed him down.</p><p>Something in his mind yells at him to say no, that this could be a trick, that Kanan was mad at him and would lash out at any second, but Ezra knew his master, he knew the man would rather die than hurt him.</p><p>Ezra quickly nods his head, his shaky breath evening out. Kanan rises from his spot, moving to sit beside him, he extends an arm out, letting Ezra tuck Himself into his side before wrapping an arm around his padawan.</p><p>Ezra breaths deep, taking in his master's presents, he can still smell the Darkoma whiskey on Kanan's clothes, but the overwhelming feeling of concern, affection and love that surges through their bond makes him feel safe.</p><p>"Ezra, What happened back there? I need you to talk to me buddy, tell me what's going on." Kanan's gentle hand rubs up and down Ezra's left arm.</p><p>Kanan's voice is soft, Ezra knows he's not demanding anything from him, but the fear of admitting what happened grips at his heart.</p><p>But Kanan deserves to know, it's the least Ezra can do after making his master feel like he was afraid of him.</p><p>"I... It's stupid Kanan, Really, I... <em>Kark</em>!, I'm just messed up ok?, I'm kriffed in the head, that's what happened."</p><p>Ezra doesn't mean for it to come out that aggressive, but he's mad, no, furious at himself. He let his Trauma get the best of him, again. As if he hadn't bothered Kanan enough with his stupid nightmares after finding out about his parents, now Kanan had to deal with another facet of his kriffed up padawan's life.</p><p>"Hey." Kanan's voice is stern, yet there's no hint of anger. "Don't talk about yourself like that, we've already been through this Ezra." Kanan pauses pulling his padawan closer.</p><p>"Ezra, I'm Not going to lie to you, you scared me... I thought you were hurt, the way you flinched from me, I-"</p><p>The guilt racks at Ezra's chest again, he cuts Kanan off.</p><p>"I'm so sorry, you didn't do anything wrong, I swear, it's me, it's all me..." Ezra shifts to wrap his arms around his master's torso. He feels Kanan's hand land on his head, stroking his dark hair.</p><p>Ezra relishes in the touch, knowing that Kanan won't hurt him, that he was safe, that Valentin wasn't there.</p><p>
  <em>Kanan won't judge you, he wants to help.</em>
</p><p>Finally, his inner voice made some sense.</p><p>Ezra breaths deep, gathering the courage to start. "Remember when I told you and Hera about that gang I was part of on the streets?"</p><p>He starts with a question, good, maybe this would be easy.</p><p>Kanan nods, frankly, he tries not to think about the atrocities his padawan had to live through, the anger that ripped at his chest when he imagined a young Ezra, cold and alone on the streets was sometimes too hard to bare. Especially when it came to anything those two Sleemos had to do with.</p><p>Ezra starts again, shifting himself so he can rest the back of his head against Kanan's chest.</p><p>"They weren't the, uh... nicest people, the guy who attacked me on Dennogra, he and his brother used to get drunk a lot, I was an easy target..."</p><p>It's all Ezra can struggle out before his voice starts cracking again.</p><p>"When you came home, y-you smelled like the same booze he used to drink, Valentin... h-he used to hurt me, a lot, h-he said it was my fault, that I deserved it, it's stupid Kanan, i-I'm sorry, I know you would never hurt me, I p-promise I know, I just..."</p><p>Ezra's breath hitches as he's quickly pulled to Kanan's chest, his master's strong arms enveloping him tightly, he hears Kanan take a deep breath, sounding like he's on the verge of tears. Without even looking at Kanan he can feel the concern, guilt and white-hot anger surging through the bond.</p><p>"Ezra...I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." He can hear the sorrow in Kanan's voice, he clings to him tighter.</p><p>Ezra chokes out another sob, his tears spilling on to Kanan's sweater. He hears the deep rumble of Kanan's voice as he begins to talk.</p><p>"It's not stupid, you deserve to be angry, you're allowed to be scared, You're allowed to let it hurt..."</p><p>The words seep into Ezra's very being, the sobs release deeper and harder.</p><p>"Shh, it's ok, I've got you, just let it out, you're safe." Kanan's fingers run through his padawan's messy hair, stoping to protectively cup the back of his head.</p><p>Ezra wants to say something, anything, but the words stay in his throat. Kanan's presents is the only thing calming him, the only thing holding him in this time, this place, the only thing keeping him from being back there again.</p><p>He hears Kanan take a deep breath, there's a note of hesitance in the bond.</p><p>"Ezra... I never wanted to tell you this, but I used to drink, a lot. Before Hera found me, I was a wreck. I would go from bar to bar, start flights, drink myself into oblivion, then move on to the next planet. I was running, from the force, from my past, I keep it all bottled up, most of the time being blacked out was the only thing that stopped the pain."</p><p>Kanan takes in a deep breath, he can feel Ezra wiggle his way into a position where he could look him in his eye.</p><p>"But then I meet Hera, and slowly the bottle looked less and less enticing because I had her, then Zeb, then Sabine, then you." Kanan pauses, pulling back and looking into Ezra's electric blue eyes.</p><p>"So I stopped drinking because the booze did nothing for me that I couldn't get from my family. I still don't have the best relationship with alcohol, I avoid it when I can, but no one is gonna trust some Shaddy guy at a bar without a drink, so Zeb and Rex ordered me something so I didn't look out of place."</p><p>Kanan pauses taking in a shuddering breath.</p><p>"Sometimes the smell still sets me off, makes me feel trapped, like I'm back in that hole again, but I was with people who cared, I knew Zeb and Rex had my back. Being with you, with my family, it reminds me that I'm not in that place anymore, and either are you"</p><p>A small, gentle smile grows on Kanan's lips.<br/>
He reaches out, cupping Ezra's face in his hands, gently tracing his thumb under his eye, wiping away the few remaining tears.</p><p>"What I'm trying to say is that what happened in our past doesn't define us, you didn't deserve what happened to you Ezra, and if I could take that pain away from you, I would, but it's allowed to hurt, you can't force it down, trust me kiddo, it only makes it worse."</p><p>Kanan watches as Ezra adverts his eyes away from him, he can feel a small spike of shame through their bond, he pushes it down. Kanan's hand slips from his cheek to his chin, gently tipping the boy's head so that their eyes meet again.</p><p>"I know it's hard Ezra, I'm so proud of how you've been handling it, your parents, all this pressure, the last thing you need right now is to be suppressed more. I know you may not believe me, but you did <em>not</em> deserve it, he was a monster, he preyed on the weak because he knew he was scum. I need you to know that he's never going to hurt you again, never, not while I'm around."</p><p>Kanan takes Ezra back into his arms, squeezing him tightly. "I'm so sorry I made you feel like you were in danger, things are going to be different now, ok?"</p><p>A pang of guilt hits Ezra hard. "Kanan..." The sound is muffled by the fabric of Kanan's shirt. "You don't have to stop drinking because of me, if it helps you then..." He trail's off, thinking about how he ruined yet another thing for his Master.</p><p>"No..." Kanan says softly. "It doesn't help me, I've relapsed before, it wasn't pretty, I hadn't had a drink out of necessity since before you came aboard, and I don't plan to have another one for a long while, the only time I drink is if I need to blend in somewhere, trust me kiddo, I won't be missing out on anything."</p><p>Kanan's hand is back in Ezra's hair, stroking gently. "You know, sometimes I'll feel myself slipping, on the bad days, sometimes I just want to drink everything away, it's why we don't keep booze on the Ghost, well, that and if we did Zeb would probably be wasted during every mission."</p><p>A smile grows on Kanan's face as he hears a small Laugh from the boy pressed to his chest.</p><p>"But then I remember where I am, what I've gained. I remember you, Ezra. I think about you, what's best for you, I think about how you've changed my life for the better, and I don't feel so lost anymore."</p><p>Kanan pushes all the love that's wrapped around his heart into their bond, letting it seep into Ezra's signature.</p><p>Ezra let's out a shuddering breath, almost trembling under all the emotions fighting in his chest. "I'm sorry you had to go through that Kanan, I-I had no idea..."</p><p>Kanan holds him closer. "It's alright kiddo, it wasn't something that you could have helped with, I just want you to know that I'm better,  not perfect, but better."</p><p>Ezra rests his head against Kanan's chest, shutting his eyes as he feels this master's cheek rest on the crown of his head.</p><p>"Do you think I could be better?, I mean, does it ever go away, the fear?"</p><p>Kanan's heart cracks at the question. "It does, things will always linger, but over time you'll heal, like you're already doing now, I know how hard this is Ezra, but just know that you have me, you're not going through this alone, I won't let you, none of us will."</p><p>Ezra smiles, hugging Kanan tighter. "Thank you, Kanan..." He whispers, his voice a bit hoarse from crying.</p><p>Kanan smiles, squeezing him tightly one last time. "You don't have to thank me kiddo, I know sometimes you think you don't deserve it, trust me, I know the feeling, but I love you, so much, and I'm here for you, always."</p><p>Ezra freezes, it's not the first time Kanan had said those words to him, but anytime they were spoken, from any of the crew, there was a small part of Ezra's mind that was sure he didn't deserve it.</p><p>The way they would do anything for him. The way that sometimes, despite having a whole rebel cell on her shoulders, Hera would put it all on hold for him, how Sabine would distract him with various art projects or story's from mandalore when he was on edge, how Zeb, dispute how much he pretended not to care, would fight ever stormtrooper in the Empire if it meant keeping him safe, How Kanan would hold him like he was something precious.</p><p>Valentin always told him that he was nothing, his new family treated him like he was the most important thing in the galaxy.</p><p>"I love you too... you've done so much for me, thank you..."</p><p>Ezra pulls back to smile up at his master, earning one in return. Ezra watches as Kanan rises to his feet, extending a hand towards his padawan.</p><p>"You ready to go?, I heard there's a certain purple Lothcat you wanted to show me"</p><p>Ezra laughs and takes Kanan's hand, letting his master pull him to his feet, Kanan's arm is immediately around him.</p><p>He can hear laughter fill his ears. From the common room rings Zeb's voice, gruff, yet full of humour, telling some story in his usual flashy manner. Rex's Laugh is rough and worn, Sabine's is higher, Hera evens them out in the middle, soft and gentle.</p><p>Joy fills his heart. The whiskey doesn't invade his senses anymore, and Kanan's strong arm around him grounds him into this time and place.</p><p>Valentin was gone, but his family was there, And would always be there.</p><p>And if Ezra was being honest with himself, it was an idea was ready to start getting used to. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey everyone!!! To start off I'm so sorry it took me so long to write this chapter!!!!, It deals with some theme's that I had a hard time writing and I had about 4 drafts before I got a good one. But anyway let's get into the notes bc I have alot to say about this chapter. </p><p>~</p><p>• so I'm starting a recurring theme of these two men that Ezra knew from the streets, porro and Valentin. If you read the last chapter then you know who porro is, Valentin was mentioned briefly last chapter but now we really get to see the effect he left on Ezra. Valentin was the leader of the gang and was every emotionally and physically abusive towards Ezra, I really wanted to show the aftermath of this and its effect on Ezra in this chapter. </p><p>• so just to clear something's up, Ezra is not afraid of Kanan. I didn't want to portray it as if Kanan had hurt Ezra in the past and that's why he flitches and hides, not at all, when you have trauma tied to a person or a smell or a place, your preseption of things going on at that moment can be twisted. Since Kanan came home smelling like Valentin had before he would beat him, Ezra associated Kanan With that smell to, and in turn vals action's. </p><p>•somthimg I wish more fanfic writers would do is acknowledged that panic attacks aren't this cute little thing thats are just a plot device to have two characters hug. And yes while everyone experience panic attacks differently, it's incredibly important to set boundaries and be verbally clear with your actions when comforting a person in a State of panic. I know some people might find it odd that Kanan was asking if he could touch Ezra, but Ezra was obviously triggered but touch and Kanan Setting those boundaries is exactly what you should do in this situation. I'm studying to be a phyc so I'm using alot of my study's in this fic, hope I can educate some people to!!  </p><p>• I have very mixed feelings about this chapter, on one hand I think I tackled the problem pretty well, it was pretty hard to balance both Kanan and Ezra tackling their Truma without one seeming like one was overshadowing the other, I really hope I did this topic justice and I would love to hear your thoughts on it!</p><p>• I hope in the end I balanced the angst and fluff well, that whole scene in the start only exsists because of the angst storm that comes right after if lol. </p><p>• kudos and comments are appreciated!!, They're what keep me writing!. </p><p>• I also have a tumblr!!!, I've been sharing some writing ideas and just ranting about swr in general so go give it's. Follow!!! I'm emieowrites on tumblr! </p><p>•have a good day everyone!!!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello!, I've been wanting to write something like this for a while so I thought it would be perfect for my first multi-chapter fic!!!! </p><p>This was originally going to be one long one-shot but I had so many ideas it became too long lol. The chapters are going to explore Ezra's PTSD from the streets and how each member of the crew reacts to it. Zeb got kinda drafted in this one bc I'm not quite sure how to write him yet, but the other ones will feature the crew as much as they do Ezra!!!, the next is hera, so get ready for some mother-son feels.</p><p>Also, I am going to be continuing the Kanan lives au, but I need some more time to figure out the timeline, so I'll be continuing soon.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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